क्यूँ तुम्हें खो दिया

खुद से, खुद के सवालों में मैं यूँ उलझा हुआ सा हूँ

कुछ पाने की कोशिश में कहीं खोया हुआ सा हूँ

एक सवाल जाने क्यूँ इतना तडपा रहा है मुझे

यादों के अंधियारे में उसका उत्तर ढूंढ रहा हूँ

जीवन के झरोखे का आइना बना कर, शायद

अपने चेहरे की मायूसी का मतलब ढूंढ रहा हूँ

यादों के भंवर में हीं मोती ढूंढ रहा था पर

शायद, किसी बवंडर की ओर रुख ले लिया

न चाहते हुए भी कुरेद रहा हूँ अपने हीं जख्मों को

डर भी है, फिर से डूबने का, और दर्द भी, क्यूँ तुम्हें खो दिया

अनजान राहों पर भी हाथ थामे तुम्हारा चला जाता था मैं

आग़ोश में तेरे बस यूँ हीं, सपनों में खो जाता था मैं

एक विश्वास था वो दामन, पर जाने कब, कैसे टूट गया

शायद शीशे के सपने थे, कभी किसी पत्थर से टकरा गए

साथ तुम्हारे हो कर भी, न जाने कैसे तुमको खो दिया!

My failures

Life’s never easy. It’s always been about survival of the fittest. Failures are inevitable part of our lives. It keeps coming and going. Sometimes, we pay a heavy price when we fail. But, in-turn it gives us an experience to learn. To learn from our failures is one of the most important lessons life teaches us every moment. The bigger point is that what we learn from our mistakes, we should be able to apply those.

Farthest down my memory lane, I recall that I had failed in English in first standard in school. In the academics, this was my very first encounter with a failure. Then, I failed in social sciences in standard fifth, I think. I failed in English again in standard eighth. I failed to reach my expectations in tenth board. I failed to do well in twelfth board. I failed to qualify for jee twice. I almost failed in physics in my undergrad twice. I failed to do good in sports at any level, however like and interest I developed. I failed to get a good job. At one moment, I had thought have I failed to make my career? What wrong choices have I made? I failed to get into a grad school. Yes, I was rejected by OSU, but later they got some new openings and then I was offered a place. And, yet again, I failed after entering in grad school. I was perplexed to see clearly if I had applied the things I had learned from my past failures. In my personal life, I don’t recall many such things, which impacted me the most. Probably, their impact on my career is not observable, but somehow they must have affected my persona, psychologically maybe. When I was appearing for my tenth board exam, my mother was fighting with death in a hospital. When she had acute blood shortage due to heavy internal bleeding, the doctors called for me to get some blood, but other family members didn’t even let me know the situation, fearing it might impact my exam. My father ran umpteenth times to many people, to the red-cross, to arrange for the required amount of blood. I know even if I had failed in the tenth board, my family members would have had sympathy with me. The other experience I remember is when I was in freshmen year at R and I had a crush on one of my good friend. Probably, she was the only girl whom I knew well. I kept on becoming stupid and desperate. That was one time when I was ignoring the lessons, I had been learning every day. One day, she bid me adieu. I had cried. A lot. It took me some time to get over her. But, I had learned a lesson to keep your crush away from friendship. I had thought I would not repeat it. But, I didn’t know that there was a fear in me, which had made me sick enough and if uncovered I will be that stupid again. And then, a day came when, I actually “celebrated” two failures; career as well as personal life. I fell in love again with a good friend. I feared to lose her. I did stupid things. She started hating me. I had thought she will hate me for life. I had cried. I had cried much more than I had in my whole life beyond infancy. And I was not even over with this shock, I had another shock. It took me sometime, to really understand what was going wrong in me this time. I tried to wake myself up and become better. I am proud of the feelings I have for her, but I have learned another lesson to lower my expectations. I needed a push in my life to get it going further, it came a hard way. I hope that these lessons, I will not, overlook again. I hope that, a better me will keep becoming better, learning from its own failures.

पड़ाव

वक़्त बेवक्त ज़माने की बंदिशों में

एक आज़ाद परिंदे सा एहसास,

जो पलता रहा कलेजे में बरसों से

खुल कर साँस लेने का वो साज़,

जीने की चाहत की तलाश में एक भंवरे सा,

ता-उम्र, फूलों पर भटकता हुआ सा अंदाज़|

ख्वाहिशें अपनी थीं, रास्ते भी अपने से

दो कदम इस ओर तो, दो चल पड़े उस ओर

मुसाफ़िरों की महफ़िल, मयकदे जैसी मंजिल,

किसी मुसाफिर से मुहब्बत में डूबा कभी दिल,

कभी उम्मीदों की परवाह में टूट कर बिखरा तो

कभी टुकड़े टुकड़े जोड़ कर संभला भी ये दिल

कुछ पल का साथ फिर वो कह गये अलविदा

यादों में उनके कई पल, बहुत रोया भी ये दिल |

पर कुतरे हुए परिंदे सा फड-फडाता, कभी गिरता

फिर संभलता, लड़खड़ाते क़दमों को झकझोरता

कुछ रंजिशें की, कभी किसी से कुछ फरमाइसें की

कुछ पल शौक से जिंदगी के पन्नों की नुमयिसें की

शायरी का मज़हब टटोला, मयकशी में जीवन भी घोला

ज़ज्बातों की स्याही से कोरे कागज़ को पहनाया चोला|

मझधारों की मौज में कभी डूबता,

फिर उभरता

कभी थमी धार के संग बहता,

कभी पत्थरों की ठोकरें सहता

हौसले फिर भी खोने न दिए,

सब कुछ हिम्मत से सह लिए

उम्मीद में बस इतने कि

एक दिन वो पड़ाव आएगा

जहाँ वक़्त भी मेरे क़दमों में

इक बार गर्व से सर झुकाएगा

एक आज़ाद परिंदे सा एहसास

मेरे ख्वाबों का आँगन मेहकायेगा

ऐ मेरे दोस्त

जीवन के हर मोड़ पर होगा तुम्हारा साथ

मैं डगमगाऊं तो संभलने को होगा तुम्हारा हाथ

राह में मिलते रहेंगे कई सारे पत्थर

झेल जाऊँगा सबको ख़ुशी से, तुम्हारे साथ

ऐ मेरे दोस्त, इतना खुशनसीब हूँ मैं

तुम्हे पाकर, जैसे जन्नत का मिल गया साथ

बस डरता हूँ हर पल, एक अनजाने से ख्वाब से

कुछ पल को भी कहीं छिन जाए ना तुम्हारा साथ

तुम्हारे बिना इस जीवन का कोई मोल नहीं

माटी का यह तन भी है अनमोल तुम्हारे साथ|

यादों के सुन्दर उपवन में जो कुछ फूल खिले हैं

उन्हें क्षण भर को भी कभी मुरझाने नहीं दूंगा

एक उद्दाग्र ग्रसित रोगी सा जो काँटे उगाये हैं

एक बदनसीब राही बनकर, उन्हें तुम्हे चुभोने नहीं दूंगा

तुम्हारी दोस्ती की जो अहेमियत है मेरे लिए

एक नासूर बन कर तुम्हे तड़पने नहीं दूंगा

ऐ मेरे दोस्त, जितना खुशनसीब हूँ मैं तुम्हे पाकर

तुम्हारी मुस्कराहट को आँसू में कभी बदलने नहीं दूंगा|

बस डरता हूँ हर पल, एक अनजाने से ख्वाब से

कुछ पल को भी कहीं छिन जाए ना तुम्हारा साथ

तुम्हारे बिना इस जीवन का कोई मोल नहीं

माटी का यह तन भी तो है अनमोल तुम्हारे साथ

It was past midnight. It didn’t seem normal. Through the dreary rhymes of blowing wind, there was voice coming along. Somebody was crying. I could feel it. He wasn’t just crying. He was deeply mourning as if someone endeared to him has passed away. I suddenly woke up. I had tear drops rolling down my eyes. It was me, crying in my dreams. Moments into the realization, I burst out into tears. I was missing her. She had left me a while ago. She was gone for good. Since then, it has become habitual. I cry like a little baby. I mourn and then I fall asleep. Ever since I had known her, she has been everything to me. That’s the fault of my persona. The ones I really like, it doesn’t take a moment to give everything to them. I don’t care if I might get just pain in return. There was a past, a frightening past, associated with me. It kept frightening me that I may lose her. I might repeat the mistakes I had done five years ago. Petty things, and her getting angry on those, kept worsening my fear. Yes, I was being succumbed to the neurotic sickness. I was getting sick to seek her attention. Since then, every little case like that kept on making me worse. I cried every time, to make her up to talk to me. She kept on ignoring me. It was in her nature, which I could not understand, because I was sick to ignore the facts. And, the fear kept mounting upon. Things kept on worsening. We broke apart, for a while. A small ego clash! I was hurt. I knew it was my fault. I accepted it as my fate. Her kindness gave me one more chance. This time, I told her something, which I had been hiding for long. I wanted to ask her to marry me. She got little angry though. But, my neurosis was on hyper this time aided with my ugly ego, I did things which broke us apart. It was over. She is gone. I miss her. I cry. I mourn, every night, every day. Don’t know, until when I’ll realize what I have done. It was my fault. I loved her. I feared to lose her. I didn’t tell her. Probably, I expected her to read me. Probably, I could not read her. The only thing left in my life is mourning, for now. Can’t say when this phase will be over. I will miss her. She won’t. She will hate me.

Swades

Five years ago, it was Lohri time and a charming young lady made her bollywood debut in an Ashutosh Gowarikar movie. Unfortunately, Indian cinema didn’t get much from her. Yes! That movie was superb. I was at Coal land those days, and excited after hearing my first semester results, I ran with one of my friend to the theater. Not only I admired the movie, but also, from the very first movie, I had become great fan of the beauty queen.

Few days ago, it was again Lorhi time and I somehow reminded of the beauty queen once again. I went to look for her recent profile in Wikipedia and found that she had been married the same year I left coal land for R. What a heart-break for me! To appreciate the charm of her image inside my soul, I went to watch Swades again. Yes! I was talking about Gayatri Joshi.

In general, I do not dare to watch a movie even second time, unless it produces some deep effect in me. I must say, in last three days, I have seen the movie thrice. Yes! You read it right, three times. It was not the reason that I missed the beauty queen. Probably I was feeling lonely. For the first time I saw it, my thoughts flew back home. When, I was lying on the terrace under the shining winter sunrays, and my younger was trying to take his kite to the summit. When, Mumma would just bring a cup of Nescafe with homemade toasts for me. When, I would spend hours lying just like that. When, we all kids would fill up ourselves with Tilkuts etc. and would be scolded for not eating regular meal. When, Mumma would cook spicy and delicious mutton curry for us. When, we kids would all gear up to celebrate Vasant Panchami and upnext the festival of colors, Holi. Damn! I was being homesick. Probably, added to these, my thoughts spiced up things little bit, and it created a charming young lady who would have impressed me much and she’s also waiting for me there. Probably, when I go back there, I would wander in search of this imaginative beauty. Flown in these thought, I watched Swades again. I could notice a soft smile on face, in each and every scene of the movie which I adored.

Conclusion of the story: I wanna go home.

Moments! Just moments!

This post had to come almost a month ago, but the inertia had its effects, as always. Procrastinated. Well, allowed time, I have more things to share here. It’s been a month since my first quarter was over, and there were the boring moments when I even tried to bunk the lab work. Suddenly it felt like an emergency evacuation of the whole campus. Then I realized, forthcoming was the big celebration moments, for people in this alien land. Yes! You guessed it right, Christmas and New year celebrations. The moments passed by, the wait for these celebrations multiplied by a factor of eagerness. For me, there was something more to come. If I say it a chance to relive my R-days, that wouldn’t be an exaggeration. It was December 24, 5:30 pm at 111 E town center, Nitin was being greeted by the hosts in Columbus. As the moments progressed, footsteps of Rangha landed here, after circumscribing a round of the Small-Cute-Building (read, state house). Then, came Mr. Wild Boar. After having a painful wait of more than 4 hours at his village bus station, the bus people finally allowed him to travel. It wasn’t his fault though, the heavy snowstorm made this worse. And then began our days. Merry Christmas! Following night, Zutshi landed in Columbus, just for a short trip though, but yeah! He seemed happy coming out of a his beautiful village of great science, called Urbana, for few fun moments. Though he was surviving there with another work, not to mention Skyping. The Journey began. Firstly, the troop marched to flag the shows of the Big-Bollywood-Release. I had earlier experiences of wrong planning making the trip adventurous, and this time I shot the arrow. There was some theater X where 3-idiots was supposed to be shown. Confidently, rather over confidently, I found out bus route of theater Y, and everyone just followed me. At the ticket counter, a soft spoken lady says ‘Maybe you got confused with X’ and then a back travel inside my mind, and I realized that I was the culprit. Thankfully, They were showing Avatar, that too in 3-D, (not the IMAX one), so it just saved me being a complete spoilsport. A Sigh! Day worth spent. Next day, we had a lavish Indian buffet and then we did watch the 3-idiots. The same night, Zutshi was replaced by Kaka. It wasn’t a bad idea to spend one day in the kidz-world, though we did enjoy the Dome theater experience there, in a Planetarium. Next day’s hunt for laser-tag was almost becoming a disappointment, but in the end, it became a sweet memory. Yes! It was December 30, 2009. The Reservoir Dogs had a hunt. Later days just passed so smoothly, in downtown night clubs, welcoming first night; in some other restaurant watching football leading to a Great-Suar-Deed, or in experiencing the development from Wright brothers’ Gliders to the unmanned Bugs in Dayton Aviation museum. Yes! Days just passed, and then everyone was departing. Thankyou folks, for those amazing days, a chance to reinvent life, which was being lost in this market.

"Those were the best days of my life"

Alas! Almost eleven months later I’m reminded of this page. I have no idea why had I been away from this page? Well, most often, I bang on someone’s head to visit my blog. But, I’m not doing that too, cuz I know I don’t have any updates since long. There is nothing much to update, except to share It was December 19, 2008 then and it is November 14, 2009 today. I was in R then, living those best days of my life, assembling memories. I’m no more there, left with only those unforgettable moments at farmhouse (Alas! I miss it the most), at adorable nesci, at CL or at any other place in the vicinity of R where we folks left our footprints, carved some memories, where we had crushes. I wish whenever I go there, I should be able to recall those footprints. Perhaps, I’ll relive my best days, though ephemerally. Perhaps, I might burst into tears. And, yes, I'm reminded of this page today, because I'm missing something. It's Convocation week for my batch and I could not attend the same. Damn! Few weeks ago, my some of the dearest friends started talking about their presence to witness the ceremony. I envied them. Deep within in my heart I was actually dieing to be there. November 4th, it was Sajjy's birthday, and when I called him, he told me something. I was like crying at the moment. I could not control my happiness, when I heard that. It was supposed to be a surprise, so he asked me not to tell anyone else. I tried hard, but almost spoiled his surprise. He was actually going to attend the Convocation and on the convocation eve I unvealed his surprise. Sorry Sajjy. I talked to almost everyone from farmhouse, present in R, and I was like crying when someone said "we'll miss u". If only, I could also be there, with them I would have relived the days which will never be back again. Atleast for few hours, I would have relived a day in my life. I was missing everything. Yes! I might not be physically present there, but I was there, in every other way, in their memories. I did not sleep whole night, rather I tried hard to remain connected live to the ceremony through an online streaming. When I heard those golden printed names, I almost jumped off my desk. Call me crazy, but I was trying everything possible to be present there. I was trying to snapshot them, like it would have been if I was there. And, then it was over. We all are Graduate now. Congratulation folks. Love you.

19/12

R is famous for its extreme climactic conditions; extremely hot in summers and extremely cool in winters. Though this time, even till mid of December, sun god was happily bestowing upon us its heat but the environment was is Styx. Everyone was asking the same question to self or other or even god; Why this time? Yes! I am talking about the same placement scenario. I again repeat, I was looking for a career not just a job, which I could not get finally from the campus. Campus placement policy restricts anyone to get more than one job offers, just to ensure that maximum number of people can be sold to corporates. It was December 18. I attended my second pre-placement talk this season: The SR Group. This talk left me with an impression of SR being a bureaucratic organization and the recruitment team, especially the HR counterpart, with their presentation skills assured me that I'm gonna mold them in my direction of thinking. You can say it as if I was being overconfident, but it happened. That very day we had a written test, absolutely resembling tenth class NTSE papers, just added with an extra technical paper in which indubitably I would have scored 49 out of 50. Test results were to be announced on 19th morning, 0800 hours. As expected, it was delayed by more than 2 hours. 1100 hrs: we mustered at the Science and Technology Entrepreneurship Park for non-eliminating discussion round. It was my second chance to suit up. After spoiling my first chance, I was totally geared up to crack this one. Later we had to face two rounds of interview: Technical and HR. No one among the recruiters were of my stream so, I and my fellow branchmates had to undergo telephonic technical interview. Below you can have a glance to the excerpt from my interview part.

(Technical round)

Good old Boss(Gob): So tell me about the marvelous work you are doing for your thesis.

Mr Overconfident(me): It's about this, that, blah blah blah....

Gob: What for? Any use in current technology?

Me: It's gonna revolutionize the current integrated circuitry...blah blah blah..

Gob: That's pretty good. (elated, eh!) So what courses did you undergo last semester?

Me: All the tautological ones( :P, it's pretty common in my department)

Gob: Have you undergone a course in which I could be interested?

Me: Yes sir! It's on Iron and Steel making.

Gob: (Highly elated) So tell me about impurity removal sequence in steel making (quite certain that he will grab my throat by this arrow, poor him!)

Me: (Hehehe) This way, that way...

Gob: (wiping sweating on his forehead); (quite difficult to break this guy). Okay! So what are the various causes of corrosion?

Me: One is this..and... and...

Gob: (Yes! I finally caught the nerve. Yes!) So tell me about dislocations and its fundamental phenomenon.

Me: It's this that... blah blah blah..

Gob: (Uff.. it's very difficult) Okay dear! We're done.

(Elated sigh; Yeah!)

Mr. Cool: So we will meet up again in few minutes for another round of interview.

Me: Yeah!

(Few moments later)

Mr. Cool: So walk me through your resume.

Me: (Yes! I got the same chance again and I am not gonna waste it :D) Dhishum! Dhishum!.. blah blah blah...

Mr. Cool: Wow! Why not for higher studies then?

Me: (Because I want to screw you up :P) blah blah blah...

Mr. Cool: (convincingly) Hmm. That's good. So, tell us about any difficulty you faced and how you tackled the same, successfully or unsuccessfully.

Me: (little thoughtful, and suddenly my brain sparkled with light) Yeah! It's about my communication skills. When I came to R, I was afraid to talk in English. (See today, I'm quite capable of making you fool :P)

Mr. Fool: Hmm. I appreciate it. So you must be fluent in you mother tongue, right? Tell me about yourself in your mother tongue then.

Me: (Uff..) Okay. blah blah blah....

Mr. Cool: That's good Mr. Overconfident. (to others) Any thing else?

Another wise man: You didn't tell about your hobbies, right?

Me: Yes Sir! It's all about Hindi Poetry.

Awm: Great! Can we be fortunate to hear some of your creations?

Me: (Oh dear lord!) Yeah! (singing)

Mr. Cool: (Sighed finally) So Mr. Overconfident. You can leave now.

Me: Thank you. (Elated sigh again :) )

(Moments later)

Mr. Cool assured me that he was actually fooled. Yuppie.. I was selected.

Though not satisfied. I'm still looking for a career, rather than a job. Hope the months of  February and march will bring blossomed moments for me. Till then, Wish you all a very happy and prosperous New Year 2009.

Employment paradox

Things do change. This is what, we all perceive and do believe. These are the days when many like me would be thinking the same way. After crossing the GREy period, I had been busy planning and trying to shape my career. The most happening semester of my undergrad life has been recently completed. Since the beginning of this semester, subprime bubble was approaching to touch the pin point. September 20th: It fianlly happened. Then and there onwards, the booming global economy has seen a sudden downturn. Elite poeple had been discussing, suggesting and if in their hand, started acting to control the meltdown. Financial market sank. Many of the major players are not any more among corporates. We had been observing this closely but was not able to appreciate the effect in our lives, until the semester approached completion. Yes! It should now be the time of rigorous interview sessions, for us. Haplessly, we are sitting idle, playing AOE or just killing time, hoping for our windfall; The Employment. In turn the situation has shown a viscitude to employers. Big players are not coming to hire us, so the dreams of many of us have simply died and they are just looking for a job. Small players are back with their good old attitude and thus fully exploiting the opportunity to hire "too-good-for-them" and savoring the fruits of recession. However, even in this situation, there lies their own eyecatching hiring style, asiding "good-boys" for a "fairer-sex". What am i doing? Yes! I am still looking for a career, rather than a job. Somewhere lies my ray of hope, which consoles me deeply and assures me that I will have my viscitude of fortune. Yes! Someday I will savor fruit of my patience and perseverance.

on special note: This most happening semster has cursed me with my first ever sgpa in 8 :(.