कभी तो सोचता हूँ

कभी तो सोचता हूँ मैं भी

कि मेरा लक्ष्य क्या है?

पता नहीं, मेरा अस्तित्व भी

मझधार के किस ओर मंडरा रहा है?

या फिर, किसी पर-कटे परिंदे सा 

एक ऊंचाई पर बने रहने को फड़फड़ा रहा है?

क्या मैं सही राह पर भी हूँ?

या फिर दिशाहीन हो भटक रहा हूँ?

कितनों ने उंचाईयां छू ली 

और कितने ही संघर्ष में पिस भी गए 

मैं भी तो और उड़ना चाहता हूँ

पता नहीं, किस पंख की तलाश में हूँ?

कभी हौसले टूटते से लगते 

कि शायद टूट कर बिखर जाऊँगा 

सहम सा जाता हूँ शायद 

या, सचमुच किसी का इंतज़ार है, 

फिर कभी हौसले संभाल कर 

आसमां की तरफ एक-टक देखता हूँ 

शायद कोई तो सुराख मिले 

जो मैंने बनाया हो, अपनी मंजिल की ओर 

या फिर, बस चलता चला जा रहा हूँ?

उम्मीद में इतने कि अपनी मंजिल ढूंढ पाउँगा 

उम्मीद का भी क्या भरोसा 

कभी सच में टूट गयी तो?

क्या मैं मायूस हो कर कहीं,

सच में बिखर तो नहीं जाऊँगा?

फिर तो बस, एक ही ख्याल आता है

खुद पर भरोसा नहीं छोड़ूंगा कभी 

कुछ राह भटक गए भी तो क्या 

नए फिर हम ढूंढ लाएंगे 

हाँ, मानता हूँ संघर्ष होगा बहुत 

पर फिर, बहुत कुछ सीखा भी तो होगा मैंने 

एक नयी उम्मीद की धार मिलेगी

शायद उसी मझधार के बीचो-बीच

या फिर, शायद सच में पंख ढूंढ लाऊंगा 

और अपनी उड़ान पूरी कर पाउँगा 

यूँ हैं जिंदगी के मझधारों में संघर्ष करता

अक्सर ऐसा ही कुछ सोचता रहता हूँ मैं

Little over a year ago…

I knew my body clock was disturbed, when I would go for a nap at 7 pm and wake up at 2 am like I was not going to sleep anymore for the night. I also knew that it will get back to normal soon. The worst part of waking up at such ungodly hours was that I would get hungry and there would be nothing in the kitchen. And, I would be confused, whether I should continue working or watch a movie or something on Netflix. Rather, I had decided to start writing this post, which I had been thinking of for a long while. And, today I’m picking up where I left it little over a year ago.

The time had come near to bid adieu to a place, which gave me home for past 4 years. Not to mention, there were many reasons to be nostalgic about this place, since the time I had landed in this once upon a time alien country. Life at the R-land, before coming here, had been wonderful with some of the most awesome people I met there over the years. There was a psychological effect printed into my neurons that I was going to miss R-land dearly here. My close ones do notice a weird character in me that I don’t miss my home as much I miss my friends. Probably, because I have always believed that friends are the family I chose to be with. It was hard on that side, when I had just landed in this alien country. Waiting for roughly 8 hours to catch my next connection to Columbus, I was even a little scared to get out and get a feel of the windy city. Thankfully, I had a good friend from R-land with me. We were going to attend the same graduate program at the same university. So, that made things a little easier.

We landed at a-little past 11:30 pm in Columbus, waiting to get picked up by our American host for the next couple of days. Even then, I was a little scared what if she forgot. Waiting outside the arrivals at the airport, when rest of the people had already gotten their rides/cabs, was scary. Then, I decided to get inside the airport just to have a quick look if there was anybody left at all in there. Of course, our flight was the last one to land for the night. I saw a lady waiting near the luggage pick-up section and just out of curiosity I went to ask her if she was waiting for two students from India. And, there she was, our host for the next few days, until we find a place to put up. That was a touching and a warm welcome in this so called alien land, to a couple of complete strangers, whom they had never even exchanged emails with.

And, then began a new life: a life which provided me with invaluable lessons both, on the academic as well as personal front. I met some of the most awesome people who would in turn become my few close friends. I even lost some supposedly once close friends. Yeah, people come and go, but life moves on. We studied hard and partied even harder.

The kickass birthday parties, the first winter break when folks from R-land were visiting us, the ATM incident, the “is-it-so-soft” curiosity of one of our friends, the late night clubbing and then devouring gyros from the only open gyro place after 2 am, and that clubbing night when, according to them, I had shouted “go away” at the two girls who tried to dance with me, (which I can assure you I had not :P, but the story is still being told the same), the holy-dips in the fishy-waters in “Put-in Bay” or the mirror-lake, the festivity celebrations, the rock-the-house-floor dance and cookout house parties where once in a blue-moon we even made our “wildest” (pun intended) friends shake their legs, the google-hangout sessions with our old friends in different corners of the planet, and some fortunate gatherings here and there, and, amidst these memorable moments four years had just gone by. I was packing my bags to embark on a new journey in the western side of the country. I am not sure, if I was more nostalgic to leave the place which had been my home away from home and the people who were my family there, or more excited about moving to a place with which I fell in love with the first time I visited there. Then, it was time.