Europe: can never get enough of it! (I)

Revisiting old days? Probably not!

It had been four years since I visited this country last time. I didn’t learn to speak their language, last time when I was there, and that was one reason to feel alienated in a completely new world. I had been thinking, probably, I will be facing the same situation this time, but having another intercultural experience for past 3 years, should give me some confidence in getting accepted in this world. Probably, familiarity with the city I was about to visit should also be an added advantage in that respect. Life had taken lots of twists and turns in past four years. Last time when I was there I had comfort zone of Indian friends which I never came out of. This time, it was different. I was alone, and was on my own. And, it was actually for the first time, I was in a place without a comfort zone around. Yes, I was totally on my own. The experience had been extraordinary. I hope I will be doing justice to it when I continue forward.

Since the day it was planned, I had been over excited about the trip. I wanted to visit Rome and Salzburg especially this time. So, I decided to make plans in advance. And thus, I had bought the Eurail pass for the same. It was a business visit, just for five weeks, so basically I had just the weekends to travel around. I did not want to take week days off as well, just because the university was paying me for this short visit. But, I had decided to make as much of my weekends as possible. First weekend was a bit boring, as I had decided to stay around Erlangen. I had been in the city four years ago, and I knew a good deal around so was just observing if things had changed a lot. The Arcaden stood right there where it was, and the Turkish Kebab place, Mamma Mia still existed, and served those delicious Doner kebabs, but soon I felt like there was not much to explore and I got more desperate to get out in the wilderness. So, I made reservations for Rome for the next weekend. As the next weekend came close, my excitement kept going and going until I took breath in sigh. The day arrived, when I was finally to depart for Rome.

My trip to Rome deserves to be told. Yes I had been astoundingly proud to walk through those ruins of one of the greatest ancient civilizations. I had been astonished by the wealth and riches of the Vatican City, displayed in the architecture and aesthetics of St. Peter’s Basilica or Vatican Museum or Sistine Chapel. But before the journey began, there is a story to that itself. I had planned to meet up an old friend, after like 7 years or so, in Rome, but somehow his plan got cancelled and I had to decide if I am to go alone. For long time I had the desire to visit the city and nothing could have stopped me this time. The journey took off.

I decided to take a night train from Munich. While going to Munich, from Nuremberg, I sat next to a very pretty girl, but I couldn’t dare to talk to her. For all that one hour, I kept thinking how to break the ice, but she was so engrossed with her iPod, and I was so afraid if she would be willing to talk, I kept my mouth shut. My heart kept mumbling for some time that I should talk to her but I decided against it. I had one hour at the Munich station and I kept on looking for some Turkish place to savor Doner Kebab, and I finally found one. Yes, it was delicious, but not as good as Mamma Mia. At 9 pm, I finally embarked on the train. As soon as I reached my compartment and was arranging my backpack, I heard a melodious voice behind me, like wind chimes ringing into my ears. That was in German though. Throughout the moment between leaving one train, having Doner and embarking on my train, I had thought of a million things, and among those, my subconscious did have a thought if there are any odds I will meet the girl again, whom I sat next to while coming to Munich. Seriously, were there any? Faintly yes, I suppose. And so, I turned around and asked, “To Rome?” She was with her friend, and both replied negative. Both had to disembark in Austria. After getting done with my luggage arrangements, I tried to get involved in the conversation again. Then two other Dutch girls and an American boy joined us in the compartment. I took another breathe in sigh that at least there will be somebody whom I could talk to without interrupting the conversation. Four of us, other than the two girls I talked about previously, were headed to Rome. So, yaay. In a moment, I broke the conversation of Austrian girls again, and this time I could get a decent look on her cute countenance. Suddenly something struck me in awe. I had earlier described that the odds of meeting that girl were very faint, right? And, luckily the dice was rolled perfectly. It was her. I couldn’t stop my heart to smile. I didn’t want to. She definitely had an affectionate smile. And, indubitably she was one of the prettiest girls I have ever encountered in my whole life. Yes, the poet in me wanted to write a poem right then, but it would have been too much of hopeless romanticism, so I decided against it :P.

to be contd.

An urge

I have always been bad at reading. Rather, horrible. Even at writing. Not to mention, speaking as well. Though, I do have written some beautiful Hindi poetry, but rest aside, nothing puts a slightest bit of gravity to my persona. School life essay competitions had been rote based, which pretty much sucked. No body cared to tell me that I should read some good literary pieces. In fact, no body around ever did that, so I never even got to know that there is something apart from school learning, and the two-three odd Hindi newspapers we used to get. A television came to my house, when I was in 7th grade. And, then I got to watch some news or whatever movies Doordarshan would air on the weekends. My sporting life never came out of playing gully cricket, and as my parents or others would say, it was the reason I never grew taller :P. I really sucked at sports. Once there was a sporting event organized at my school, (and yes, that was the only one in the 10 years of my precious childhood I spent at that school) and one of the events were high jump. I remember that I ran from the mark and as soon as I reached near the rope, I couldn't dare to jump over. I stopped, took a breathe and slid under the rope :P. I should have been disqualified, but they forced me to try again, this time, lowering the rope a bit. And, yours truly reached the rope, stopped and hopped over. Yes, I was that bad in sports. Until, I was done with tenth grade and moved out of that small village I grew up in. Then, I started seeing a bigger world. I started broadening my horizon. Yes, I had missed a lot. But, I don't regret that. There is no point in doing that. My parents have done wonders for me to give me a blessed life. You wouldn't believe me, when I say that, my father has taken me on his bicycle 12 km to and fro, to my coaching place, when I had started preparing for engineering entrances. I never dared to even learn bicycle. Even today, I don't know how to ride one. Yes, that really sucks, and I should regret that. But I don't :P. I was a timid child, and very shy. One more funny incident I can share here. One day in school, one of the girls in my class was giving chocolates to everyone because it was her birthday, and I ran out of class, because I was too shy to wish her happy birthday. Yes, that also sucks, but probably the environment I grew up in made me this. In school, we boys were punished to sit beside girls, so that we don't disturb the class decorum. That was one reason, I started getting alienated from girls. And, added to that came three years of all boys schooling and then, further at coaching place, all boys group. Though, the seniors from my coaching institute, who had already joined some good institutes, had felt that we should also be given a chance to broaden our extra curricular skills at the coaching place. Then started UTSAV, an annual fun-filled event with lots of great opportunities to learn. There was the first time, I participated in a debate competition. I remember I was so freaked out on stage that for the first one minute I just mumbled and then I started reading the hand out I had prepared for myself. I probably was the sole weak point in my team and the reason for us to lose. But, I tried. Seniors were smart. They had realized that kids like me would try anything to avoid participation, so we were forced to participate by the fear of expulsion from the coaching place. I had tried to participate in extempore once, and I went on stage fearless. Stood before the microphone, and as I started my first sentence and glanced over the audience I was addressing to, my heart just sank. Not a single word came out of my mouth for next two minutes. I was just standing there, silent. There are few other incidents like these too. Only good thing I could get from those that slowly I was overcoming my fear to give it a try. But, that was the place which started shaping my persona. I made some truly great friends, two of them I can indubitably call my best friends, who have always been there for me however stupid I become. It's true, I do stupid things too often :P. There I started to read something other than the text books. That was the time when I had written my first Hindi poem, though I don't have any record of that, and I don't even remember any lines from that. Though, during my undergrad, I didn't explore much of that area, I did start blogging, and kept writing few poems now and then. I was very fortunate to have some really good friends who have been awesome in literary skills. So, that exposed me to some good piece of blog posts, some wonderful movies. But, after getting done with my undergrad, I kind of stopped following blogs or even posting myself.

Recently, however, I have come across a few amazing personalities, which has brought out a sudden urge in me to get back to follow their blogs, write my own. I hope I will start doing some justice here. 

क्यूँ तुम्हें खो दिया

खुद से, खुद के सवालों में मैं यूँ उलझा हुआ सा हूँ

कुछ पाने की कोशिश में कहीं खोया हुआ सा हूँ

एक सवाल जाने क्यूँ इतना तडपा रहा है मुझे

यादों के अंधियारे में उसका उत्तर ढूंढ रहा हूँ

जीवन के झरोखे का आइना बना कर, शायद

अपने चेहरे की मायूसी का मतलब ढूंढ रहा हूँ

यादों के भंवर में हीं मोती ढूंढ रहा था पर

शायद, किसी बवंडर की ओर रुख ले लिया

न चाहते हुए भी कुरेद रहा हूँ अपने हीं जख्मों को

डर भी है, फिर से डूबने का, और दर्द भी, क्यूँ तुम्हें खो दिया

अनजान राहों पर भी हाथ थामे तुम्हारा चला जाता था मैं

आग़ोश में तेरे बस यूँ हीं, सपनों में खो जाता था मैं

एक विश्वास था वो दामन, पर जाने कब, कैसे टूट गया

शायद शीशे के सपने थे, कभी किसी पत्थर से टकरा गए

साथ तुम्हारे हो कर भी, न जाने कैसे तुमको खो दिया!

My failures

Life’s never easy. It’s always been about survival of the fittest. Failures are inevitable part of our lives. It keeps coming and going. Sometimes, we pay a heavy price when we fail. But, in-turn it gives us an experience to learn. To learn from our failures is one of the most important lessons life teaches us every moment. The bigger point is that what we learn from our mistakes, we should be able to apply those.

Farthest down my memory lane, I recall that I had failed in English in first standard in school. In the academics, this was my very first encounter with a failure. Then, I failed in social sciences in standard fifth, I think. I failed in English again in standard eighth. I failed to reach my expectations in tenth board. I failed to do well in twelfth board. I failed to qualify for jee twice. I almost failed in physics in my undergrad twice. I failed to do good in sports at any level, however like and interest I developed. I failed to get a good job. At one moment, I had thought have I failed to make my career? What wrong choices have I made? I failed to get into a grad school. Yes, I was rejected by OSU, but later they got some new openings and then I was offered a place. And, yet again, I failed after entering in grad school. I was perplexed to see clearly if I had applied the things I had learned from my past failures. In my personal life, I don’t recall many such things, which impacted me the most. Probably, their impact on my career is not observable, but somehow they must have affected my persona, psychologically maybe. When I was appearing for my tenth board exam, my mother was fighting with death in a hospital. When she had acute blood shortage due to heavy internal bleeding, the doctors called for me to get some blood, but other family members didn’t even let me know the situation, fearing it might impact my exam. My father ran umpteenth times to many people, to the red-cross, to arrange for the required amount of blood. I know even if I had failed in the tenth board, my family members would have had sympathy with me. The other experience I remember is when I was in freshmen year at R and I had a crush on one of my good friend. Probably, she was the only girl whom I knew well. I kept on becoming stupid and desperate. That was one time when I was ignoring the lessons, I had been learning every day. One day, she bid me adieu. I had cried. A lot. It took me some time to get over her. But, I had learned a lesson to keep your crush away from friendship. I had thought I would not repeat it. But, I didn’t know that there was a fear in me, which had made me sick enough and if uncovered I will be that stupid again. And then, a day came when, I actually “celebrated” two failures; career as well as personal life. I fell in love again with a good friend. I feared to lose her. I did stupid things. She started hating me. I had thought she will hate me for life. I had cried. I had cried much more than I had in my whole life beyond infancy. And I was not even over with this shock, I had another shock. It took me sometime, to really understand what was going wrong in me this time. I tried to wake myself up and become better. I am proud of the feelings I have for her, but I have learned another lesson to lower my expectations. I needed a push in my life to get it going further, it came a hard way. I hope that these lessons, I will not, overlook again. I hope that, a better me will keep becoming better, learning from its own failures.

पड़ाव

वक़्त बेवक्त ज़माने की बंदिशों में

एक आज़ाद परिंदे सा एहसास,

जो पलता रहा कलेजे में बरसों से

खुल कर साँस लेने का वो साज़,

जीने की चाहत की तलाश में एक भंवरे सा,

ता-उम्र, फूलों पर भटकता हुआ सा अंदाज़|

ख्वाहिशें अपनी थीं, रास्ते भी अपने से

दो कदम इस ओर तो, दो चल पड़े उस ओर

मुसाफ़िरों की महफ़िल, मयकदे जैसी मंजिल,

किसी मुसाफिर से मुहब्बत में डूबा कभी दिल,

कभी उम्मीदों की परवाह में टूट कर बिखरा तो

कभी टुकड़े टुकड़े जोड़ कर संभला भी ये दिल

कुछ पल का साथ फिर वो कह गये अलविदा

यादों में उनके कई पल, बहुत रोया भी ये दिल |

पर कुतरे हुए परिंदे सा फड-फडाता, कभी गिरता

फिर संभलता, लड़खड़ाते क़दमों को झकझोरता

कुछ रंजिशें की, कभी किसी से कुछ फरमाइसें की

कुछ पल शौक से जिंदगी के पन्नों की नुमयिसें की

शायरी का मज़हब टटोला, मयकशी में जीवन भी घोला

ज़ज्बातों की स्याही से कोरे कागज़ को पहनाया चोला|

मझधारों की मौज में कभी डूबता,

फिर उभरता

कभी थमी धार के संग बहता,

कभी पत्थरों की ठोकरें सहता

हौसले फिर भी खोने न दिए,

सब कुछ हिम्मत से सह लिए

उम्मीद में बस इतने कि

एक दिन वो पड़ाव आएगा

जहाँ वक़्त भी मेरे क़दमों में

इक बार गर्व से सर झुकाएगा

एक आज़ाद परिंदे सा एहसास

मेरे ख्वाबों का आँगन मेहकायेगा

ऐ मेरे दोस्त

जीवन के हर मोड़ पर होगा तुम्हारा साथ

मैं डगमगाऊं तो संभलने को होगा तुम्हारा हाथ

राह में मिलते रहेंगे कई सारे पत्थर

झेल जाऊँगा सबको ख़ुशी से, तुम्हारे साथ

ऐ मेरे दोस्त, इतना खुशनसीब हूँ मैं

तुम्हे पाकर, जैसे जन्नत का मिल गया साथ

बस डरता हूँ हर पल, एक अनजाने से ख्वाब से

कुछ पल को भी कहीं छिन जाए ना तुम्हारा साथ

तुम्हारे बिना इस जीवन का कोई मोल नहीं

माटी का यह तन भी है अनमोल तुम्हारे साथ|

यादों के सुन्दर उपवन में जो कुछ फूल खिले हैं

उन्हें क्षण भर को भी कभी मुरझाने नहीं दूंगा

एक उद्दाग्र ग्रसित रोगी सा जो काँटे उगाये हैं

एक बदनसीब राही बनकर, उन्हें तुम्हे चुभोने नहीं दूंगा

तुम्हारी दोस्ती की जो अहेमियत है मेरे लिए

एक नासूर बन कर तुम्हे तड़पने नहीं दूंगा

ऐ मेरे दोस्त, जितना खुशनसीब हूँ मैं तुम्हे पाकर

तुम्हारी मुस्कराहट को आँसू में कभी बदलने नहीं दूंगा|

बस डरता हूँ हर पल, एक अनजाने से ख्वाब से

कुछ पल को भी कहीं छिन जाए ना तुम्हारा साथ

तुम्हारे बिना इस जीवन का कोई मोल नहीं

माटी का यह तन भी तो है अनमोल तुम्हारे साथ

It was past midnight. It didn’t seem normal. Through the dreary rhymes of blowing wind, there was voice coming along. Somebody was crying. I could feel it. He wasn’t just crying. He was deeply mourning as if someone endeared to him has passed away. I suddenly woke up. I had tear drops rolling down my eyes. It was me, crying in my dreams. Moments into the realization, I burst out into tears. I was missing her. She had left me a while ago. She was gone for good. Since then, it has become habitual. I cry like a little baby. I mourn and then I fall asleep. Ever since I had known her, she has been everything to me. That’s the fault of my persona. The ones I really like, it doesn’t take a moment to give everything to them. I don’t care if I might get just pain in return. There was a past, a frightening past, associated with me. It kept frightening me that I may lose her. I might repeat the mistakes I had done five years ago. Petty things, and her getting angry on those, kept worsening my fear. Yes, I was being succumbed to the neurotic sickness. I was getting sick to seek her attention. Since then, every little case like that kept on making me worse. I cried every time, to make her up to talk to me. She kept on ignoring me. It was in her nature, which I could not understand, because I was sick to ignore the facts. And, the fear kept mounting upon. Things kept on worsening. We broke apart, for a while. A small ego clash! I was hurt. I knew it was my fault. I accepted it as my fate. Her kindness gave me one more chance. This time, I told her something, which I had been hiding for long. I wanted to ask her to marry me. She got little angry though. But, my neurosis was on hyper this time aided with my ugly ego, I did things which broke us apart. It was over. She is gone. I miss her. I cry. I mourn, every night, every day. Don’t know, until when I’ll realize what I have done. It was my fault. I loved her. I feared to lose her. I didn’t tell her. Probably, I expected her to read me. Probably, I could not read her. The only thing left in my life is mourning, for now. Can’t say when this phase will be over. I will miss her. She won’t. She will hate me.

Swades

Five years ago, it was Lohri time and a charming young lady made her bollywood debut in an Ashutosh Gowarikar movie. Unfortunately, Indian cinema didn’t get much from her. Yes! That movie was superb. I was at Coal land those days, and excited after hearing my first semester results, I ran with one of my friend to the theater. Not only I admired the movie, but also, from the very first movie, I had become great fan of the beauty queen.

Few days ago, it was again Lorhi time and I somehow reminded of the beauty queen once again. I went to look for her recent profile in Wikipedia and found that she had been married the same year I left coal land for R. What a heart-break for me! To appreciate the charm of her image inside my soul, I went to watch Swades again. Yes! I was talking about Gayatri Joshi.

In general, I do not dare to watch a movie even second time, unless it produces some deep effect in me. I must say, in last three days, I have seen the movie thrice. Yes! You read it right, three times. It was not the reason that I missed the beauty queen. Probably I was feeling lonely. For the first time I saw it, my thoughts flew back home. When, I was lying on the terrace under the shining winter sunrays, and my younger was trying to take his kite to the summit. When, Mumma would just bring a cup of Nescafe with homemade toasts for me. When, I would spend hours lying just like that. When, we all kids would fill up ourselves with Tilkuts etc. and would be scolded for not eating regular meal. When, Mumma would cook spicy and delicious mutton curry for us. When, we kids would all gear up to celebrate Vasant Panchami and upnext the festival of colors, Holi. Damn! I was being homesick. Probably, added to these, my thoughts spiced up things little bit, and it created a charming young lady who would have impressed me much and she’s also waiting for me there. Probably, when I go back there, I would wander in search of this imaginative beauty. Flown in these thought, I watched Swades again. I could notice a soft smile on face, in each and every scene of the movie which I adored.

Conclusion of the story: I wanna go home.

Moments! Just moments!

This post had to come almost a month ago, but the inertia had its effects, as always. Procrastinated. Well, allowed time, I have more things to share here. It’s been a month since my first quarter was over, and there were the boring moments when I even tried to bunk the lab work. Suddenly it felt like an emergency evacuation of the whole campus. Then I realized, forthcoming was the big celebration moments, for people in this alien land. Yes! You guessed it right, Christmas and New year celebrations. The moments passed by, the wait for these celebrations multiplied by a factor of eagerness. For me, there was something more to come. If I say it a chance to relive my R-days, that wouldn’t be an exaggeration. It was December 24, 5:30 pm at 111 E town center, Nitin was being greeted by the hosts in Columbus. As the moments progressed, footsteps of Rangha landed here, after circumscribing a round of the Small-Cute-Building (read, state house). Then, came Mr. Wild Boar. After having a painful wait of more than 4 hours at his village bus station, the bus people finally allowed him to travel. It wasn’t his fault though, the heavy snowstorm made this worse. And then began our days. Merry Christmas! Following night, Zutshi landed in Columbus, just for a short trip though, but yeah! He seemed happy coming out of a his beautiful village of great science, called Urbana, for few fun moments. Though he was surviving there with another work, not to mention Skyping. The Journey began. Firstly, the troop marched to flag the shows of the Big-Bollywood-Release. I had earlier experiences of wrong planning making the trip adventurous, and this time I shot the arrow. There was some theater X where 3-idiots was supposed to be shown. Confidently, rather over confidently, I found out bus route of theater Y, and everyone just followed me. At the ticket counter, a soft spoken lady says ‘Maybe you got confused with X’ and then a back travel inside my mind, and I realized that I was the culprit. Thankfully, They were showing Avatar, that too in 3-D, (not the IMAX one), so it just saved me being a complete spoilsport. A Sigh! Day worth spent. Next day, we had a lavish Indian buffet and then we did watch the 3-idiots. The same night, Zutshi was replaced by Kaka. It wasn’t a bad idea to spend one day in the kidz-world, though we did enjoy the Dome theater experience there, in a Planetarium. Next day’s hunt for laser-tag was almost becoming a disappointment, but in the end, it became a sweet memory. Yes! It was December 30, 2009. The Reservoir Dogs had a hunt. Later days just passed so smoothly, in downtown night clubs, welcoming first night; in some other restaurant watching football leading to a Great-Suar-Deed, or in experiencing the development from Wright brothers’ Gliders to the unmanned Bugs in Dayton Aviation museum. Yes! Days just passed, and then everyone was departing. Thankyou folks, for those amazing days, a chance to reinvent life, which was being lost in this market.

"Those were the best days of my life"

Alas! Almost eleven months later I’m reminded of this page. I have no idea why had I been away from this page? Well, most often, I bang on someone’s head to visit my blog. But, I’m not doing that too, cuz I know I don’t have any updates since long. There is nothing much to update, except to share It was December 19, 2008 then and it is November 14, 2009 today. I was in R then, living those best days of my life, assembling memories. I’m no more there, left with only those unforgettable moments at farmhouse (Alas! I miss it the most), at adorable nesci, at CL or at any other place in the vicinity of R where we folks left our footprints, carved some memories, where we had crushes. I wish whenever I go there, I should be able to recall those footprints. Perhaps, I’ll relive my best days, though ephemerally. Perhaps, I might burst into tears. And, yes, I'm reminded of this page today, because I'm missing something. It's Convocation week for my batch and I could not attend the same. Damn! Few weeks ago, my some of the dearest friends started talking about their presence to witness the ceremony. I envied them. Deep within in my heart I was actually dieing to be there. November 4th, it was Sajjy's birthday, and when I called him, he told me something. I was like crying at the moment. I could not control my happiness, when I heard that. It was supposed to be a surprise, so he asked me not to tell anyone else. I tried hard, but almost spoiled his surprise. He was actually going to attend the Convocation and on the convocation eve I unvealed his surprise. Sorry Sajjy. I talked to almost everyone from farmhouse, present in R, and I was like crying when someone said "we'll miss u". If only, I could also be there, with them I would have relived the days which will never be back again. Atleast for few hours, I would have relived a day in my life. I was missing everything. Yes! I might not be physically present there, but I was there, in every other way, in their memories. I did not sleep whole night, rather I tried hard to remain connected live to the ceremony through an online streaming. When I heard those golden printed names, I almost jumped off my desk. Call me crazy, but I was trying everything possible to be present there. I was trying to snapshot them, like it would have been if I was there. And, then it was over. We all are Graduate now. Congratulation folks. Love you.